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Relax!
Put your feet up. Chill out. Lighten up, settle down. However you want to put it — just relax.
When my wife Ellen and I were first going out, there were times when I wished I could climb into her skin and relax for her. Just so she could have the experience of what it’s like.
Now I often feel the same about my clients. Learning to hear and trust your inner Self, discovering what it’s like to be more of who you really are, isn’t hard work. It isn’t “work” at all. Yet like most people, you’ve probably grown up believing that everything worthwhile requires hard work, effort, analysis, planning, doing. Culturally, we call it the “work ethic,” and consider it a good thing.
There are many times when it’s not a good thing, when in fact it’s more like a very bad habit.
One of my clients is a classic example. She grew up with an intellectual, science-loving father and a math-major, bookkeeper mother. Unsurprisingly, she went into a logic-driven career as a software engineer and manager.
Now she’s trying to learn to let go of her need to analyze, think, produce, work. She’s had flashes of the spaciousness, the joy, and the abundance that’s available when she lets go — and those flashes have only served to increase her determination. All her life, she’s known only one way to get what she wants: work for it.
“Relax! Stop trying so hard!” I said to her the other day. She groaned in acknowledgement and agreed that she’s following the habits of decades. “I’m trying to analyze and program myself to freedom, even though I know there’s nothing analytical or logical about it,” she said ruefully.
When you’ve been taught to be responsible, taught that your value lies in what you do for others and how much you produce, relaxing can be pretty scary. Suddenly you feel as if you’re not doing, not producing. You feel as if you’ll be unprepared if something unexpected happens.
Notice that I say, “you feel as if.” As if. It’s not reality. It’s true that relaxing means surrendering, putting down your burden of responsibility. However, when you surrender that burden, paradoxically, you’ll find spaciousness, freedom to act (or relax!), and a deep knowing of what action is the right action in the right moment.
If you’re ready to give it a try, here are a few suggestions my clients have found helpful.
Stop
Stop. Just stop. Just for a moment, stop analyzing, stop planning, stop setting goals, stop anticipating, stop making to-do lists. Pull your mind out of the future, stop thinking about what you did or didn’t do last week, and let yourself expand into the beauty of the moment right here, right now.
As you move back into your day’s activity, notice your mind’s tendency to default into these patterns (analyzing, planning, and so on), and give yourself the gift of stopping every now and then.
Put down the burden
When I talk about responsibility as my clients experience it, how it really is a weight, a burden they’re carrying, they know exactly what I mean. They can literally feel it on their shoulders, weighing them down.
Put down the burden. Imagine yourself letting it go, letting it drop to the ground. Feel how weightless you become, how much straighter you can stand, how you suddenly feel like smiling and even laughing.
Collapse
Now that you’re no longer struggling under the weight of responsibility, allow yourself to collapse. Fall backwards into a big pile of cushions or a bean-bag chair. Drop bonelessly onto your bed. Sprawl flat on the floor. Even if you’re not a regular yoga practitioner, try the “savasana” or “corpse” posture; here’s a link to simple directions. The Savasana pose
Sigh deeply
There’s something about a really deep, profound sigh that relaxes tense muscles almost by magic. So after you’ve collapsed, allow yourself a few deep, full-body sighs of contentment. And then just stay there ... relaxing.
Stretch
Watch a cat or a dog as it sleeps. How amazingly relaxed it is! Then watch as it gets up and stretches luxuriously. That’s your goal. Put your arms up over your head and reach, stretch your shoulders and back — feel all your joints crackle and your body become alive. You’ll feel at least two inches taller.
Get a massage
Find a good massage therapist and let him or her turn you into a noodle. (One client said she already was a noodle — just not a cooked noodle. Your goal is to become a very well-done noodle — not even al dente!)
Meditate
When you allow everything to simply be as it is in your meditation, you’ll notice where your body is tense — and where your thoughts are tense. As you notice without trying to change anything (continuing to allow it all to be as it is), you’ll find that the tension begins to dissolve, simply by your being aware of it.
Inquire
Who would you be if you relaxed? Who would you be if you put down that burden of responsibility, took a chill pill, allowed yourself to lighten up and settle down? Ask yourself this question without expecting an answer. Just let it percolate through all of you. Be surprised by the answers you receive.
Try one or two or three — or all — of these ideas.
The world won’t come to a halt, even though you — like my clients — may secretly believe it will. Give yourself a break. Relax.
My wife Ellen has gotten very good at it (most of the time!). She’s the most creative and successful person I know.
And I have high hopes for my software-engineer client.
“The time to relax is — when you don’t have time for it.” Sydney J. Harris, 1917 - 1986, American journalist
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