What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Free Article
There Are No Rules
Rules.
When you were little, your parents created rules to keep you safe.
As you grew older, you learned to create rules of your own for the same reason — to keep yourself safe.
Now that you’re an adult, you’re so hemmed in with rules that you can barely move. Yet you believe it’s the natural way to be. In fact, as you read this you might be thinking, “It’s a framework for my life. Without rules, I’d have to think about how to do everything!”
Instead of thinking about how to do everything, what about feeling how to do it?
Instead of automatically following rules that may not make sense any more — may never have really made sense — what about noticing your rules and consciously choosing whether to follow them or not?
Perhaps your shyness and discomfort in a crowd stems from the familiar childhood rule “Don’t talk to strangers.” Or if your parents were strict about your eating everything on your plate, you may now find yourself struggling with your weight. Did you have to do all your homework before you could go out to play? Hmm. Are you a workaholic now? Do you have a hard time taking a break and doing something fun when there are things you “need” to do?
You may have created rules for no apparent reason. One client noticed — to her astonishment — that she had a rule about when she could put gas in her car. She realized this as she was driving by her usual gas station and found herself in an elaborate calculation concerning the long trip she planned early in the week. How could she schedule her departure so she’d have time to buy gas and get to her appointments on time?
You see, her car had more than a quarter tank of gas left.
It probably doesn’t make any sense to you, but it made perfect sense to her: she wasn’t “supposed” to put gas in the car if the tank was more than a quarter full. No matter what that did to her schedule. It was a rule she’d lived by for years.
Rules like this can be very hard to spot. They’re habitual. They’re part of your routine. And they almost always make your life difficult in some way, as my client’s gas-purchasing rule did.
Here are three steps to identify the rules in your life. Once you’ve spotted them, they usually (though not always) dissolve by themselves. In some cases, you may decide that a rule is worth keeping — but you’ll do it consciously, knowing that you can break the rule any time.
Notice
Cultivate the observer within you. Your observer is useful in many life situations, and it’s especially useful as a rule-spotter. Pay attention to what your observer notices about your behavior. It will be subtle at first — a sense of curiousity, perhaps, about something you’re doing. If you’re visually oriented, you may find a question mark hovering in your inner vision. Or you may simply have a sense that something strange or off-kilter is going on — a sort of inner speed bump or a “Huh?!”
At first, noticing requires attention, but after a while you’ll find that your observer has quite naturally taken responsibility for keeping watch.
Question
Be curious. Your observer will engage your sense of curiousity as part of doing its job. Once it’s called something to your attention, let that curiousity take over. Ask yourself what you’re doing, and why. Is there a “should” attached, and if so, what is it? Is it a habit, and if so, why did you form the habit? How do you feel when you follow the rule — and how do you feel when you break the rule?
Laugh
Rules and laughter don’t get along well at all. When you laugh at a rule, it tends to dissolve. Rather like the Boggart in the Harry Potter books, vanishing at a cry of “Riddikulus,” it can’t stand up to being shown for what it is.
You’re not, of course, laughing at yourself. Remember, you created the rule in order to keep yourself safe in some way. It’s just that now you recognize that it’s not only unnecessary for your safety, it’s holding you back, complicating your life, and creating difficulty. So be kind to yourself while you’re noticing, questioning, and allowing the rule to dissolve.
“Hell, there are no rules here — we’re trying to accomplish something.“ Thomas A. Edison, American inventor and businessman, 1847 - 1931
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