What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Free Article
When Habits become Rules
We typically think of habits as being either “good” or “bad.” The “good” habits — for instance, brushing your teeth — keep you on track to do the things you want to do without having to put much effort into remembering them. The so-called “bad” habits are things you believe you’d rather not do, though somehow you seem to keep doing them anyway.
But what about all those other habits, neither “good” nor “bad,” the ones that creep into your life over time? Though you may not notice them very much, these habits are often limiting. Many of them create extra effort. Some of them force you to do things inefficiently, or create a sense of obligation to do something you don’t want to do.
While habits like these may have originated from a reasonable decision about a particular situation, they often end up being applied in situations where they don’t make sense. Furthermore, that original reasonable decision may have been reasonable for someone else’s life — such as your parents’, or a teacher’s — but that doesn’t mean it fits yours.
These are the habits that become rules. These habits give your inner critic reasons to disapprove when you don’t follow them, and give your voice of responsibility reasons to bombard you with “shoulds.”
I’m always interested in ways to create new perspectives. Finding a new perspective, which can be as simple as looking at new ways to do something, is a powerful way to break these habits-become-rules. And breaking those habits is delightfully freeing!
Here are a few ways to look at what habits you may have turned into rules. I hope you’ll enjoy the fun of a new perspective, and enjoy the freedom of letting go of unnecessary habits.
Listen
As you go about your day, listen to your thoughts. When you hear yourself thinking, “I can’t do that,” or, “I should do that,” and especially, “I must do this,” stop for a moment.
When you find yourself thinking can’t, should/shouldn’t, and must, that’s your opportunity to spot a rule in action.
One client had a habit of only buying gas when her car had a quarter-tank or less remaining. She caught herself thinking, “I can’t get gas today — I’ll have to stop on my way home tomorrow, even though it will be terribly inconvenient.” This was clearly a habit-become-rule that was creating logistical nightmares for her.
Feel
When you’re starting a task or thinking about your day, observe your feelings. Does something feel out of alignment? Is there a feeling of obligation? Are you noticing a sense of annoyance, frustration, or even disappointment?
Having been taught by her mother to rotate her use of things such as towels and sheets in order to spread the wear, a client noticed that she was also using her coffee-mugs in sequence, rather than simply selecting the one she preferred. This is a classic example of how a reasonable habit (though one I still might question!) intended to distribute wear and tear on linens became an unreasonable rule about more-durable ceramics.
Ask
Ask yourself, “Is it true?”
Is it really true that you can’t, should, must, or have to? Is there a true reason for denying yourself something you want, or forcing yourself to do something that’s inconvenient? What are the reasons for the habit, and are they valid for you in this situation?
A few weeks ago, finding myself wide awake in the middle of the night, I got up and did some work. After about an hour, I went back to bed and fell right back to sleep. It was an interesting new perspective — and I was able to complete tasks that I’d otherwise have had to do in the morning. After all, the rule about staying in bed until morning was created by parents for their children. As an adult, I can make my own decisions about when I want to be in bed, and when it makes more sense to be up.
Experiment
What would it feel like to try a different approach to something you do habitually? What would your life be like if you questioned these habits? What would happen if you broke the rules?
Habits and rules aren’t always obvious, especially when you’ve been living with them for a while. Be willing to get very curious. Observe your thoughts and feelings. Listen closely for the assumptions that lead you down old familiar paths. Then try on some new perspectives. Pick a pattern you follow every day, and choose to do it differently — or to not do it at all.
Just breaking one rule tends to lead to noticing, questioning, and then breaking more.
And it’s likely to have a bigger impact on your life than you might initially expect.
“The second half of a man’s life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.” Fyodor Dostoevsky, 1821-1881, Russian fiction writer, essayist, and philosopher.
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