What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Free Article
Looking in the Mirror
Have you ever wondered why a friend or colleague was having such a strong reaction to someone’s behavior when it didn’t bother you in the least?
On the other hand, have you ever found yourself in the midst of a reaction — whether anger, frustration, and tears, or joy, happiness, and admiration — and seen someone looking at you in complete confusion?
It’s obvious that different people react to different things in different ways. And of course it would be very dull if everyone's reactions were the same. But when you find yourself reacting strongly, especially with what we generally think of as negative emotions, it’s worth stopping to take a look.
I know for myself that whenever a strong reaction arises, it’s pointing to something in me at least as much as it is to something in the other person. It’s not always easy or comfortable to look in the mirror, but when I do, I always learn something new. In learning, I find ways to relax into deeper freedom.
My clients come to appreciate this as well. In fact, one of the ways I know that my work with someone is drawing to a close is when they begin to realize that the guidance and wisdom they have looked for and found in me is just a reflection of the guidance and wisdom they’re finding within themselves.
In the beginning, though, it can be challenging to find the reflection. Here are some hints on how to look in the mirror.
Stop!
Faced with powerful emotion, especially one that you’ve been taught is negative and therefore to be avoided, it’s natural to try to find something to do to move away from it. If you feel as if someone’s words or actions have caused your emotion, you may find yourself pushing that person away or retaliating. Or you may find yourself retreating in fear or hurt.
Stop before you react. As we all know, reactions in the heat of the moment often make the situation worse. So just stop and give yourself some breathing room.
Allow
What is the emotion you’re feeling? It may be easily identifiable, but more likely it’s a multi-layered mixture. Allow what you’re feeling initially, and then also allow the deeper feelings to arise and express themselves.
For instance, one client used to get furious when people didn’t respond to her phone messages or emails. Several layers below that anger was a deep feeling of hurt and rejection that she wasn’t aware of until she stopped and allowed all the feelings to be what they were.
Reflect
What is the reflection within you? How do you experience in yourself exactly what you’re reacting to in someone else’s behavior?
That can be hard to find at first. When I ask my clients this question, they’re often confused. “But I don’t reject myself!” was the quick answer from the client who hated others’ apparent unresponsiveness. A few days of living with the question, however, brought a quieter answer, and a realization of the many ways she in fact did reject herself.
In looking at this reflection (and with a lot of work over time), she’s gradually shifted her perspective. As she’s settled into a more authentic relationship with herself, her interactions and relationships with others have become more authentic and less stressful. Unsurprisingly, now her messages are more often answered than not, and she’s occasionally even startled by emails from people she’d forgotten she’d contacted.
Patterns
My client’s reaction to what she perceived as unresponsiveness and rejection was a clear pattern for her, extending beyond email or phone messages to requests for help and even into casual social conversation.
What patterns are true for you? Do your reactions to people’s phrasing of questions or comments consistently leave you feeling put upon — or put down? When someone is especially grouchy or especially cheerful, do you tend to find them annoying? On the other hand, do you see desireable attributes — wisdom or know-how, for instance — in your friends and mentors instead of yourself?
When you identify the patterns of your reactions, stop and give yourself time to allow the emotions that arise. Then reflect on where those emotions are rooted within yourself. You’ll discover a gradual, growing release and freedom from your painful reactions. You’ll also find a delightful acceptance of your talents, power, and the wholeness of your true self.
Just look in the mirror.
“By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is noblest; second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” Confucius, 551BCE - 479BCE, Chinese thinker and social philosopher.
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