What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Free Article
Being With Feelings
Most people go through life being carried along by how they feel. Whether it’s anger or joy, frustration or love, you label the feelings as “good” or “bad.” Then you seek out the good ones, and try to avoid the bad ones.
Seems reasonable, right? After all, why would you want to feel afraid or unhappy?
Well, of course you don’t. Yet no matter how much you may try to exert control over how you feel, your feelings aren’t logical, and generally don’t respond to willpower and denial.
And when you turn away from or resist a feeling as it comes up, it tends — as one client says — to develop claws. Sharp claws. In other words, it tends to feel worse, more painful for a longer period of time, than if you were to simply be with the feeling, allowing it to be as it is rather than trying to push it away or transcend it.
Like many of my clients, the idea of being with your feelings may initially seem confusing or even frustrating to you. What does it really mean to be with feelings?
Here are some things to experiment with as you explore this question.
You are not your feelings
How do you describe your feelings?
Many people use language that implies that they are their feelings: “I am angry” or “I am happy.”
But you’re not your feelings. Instead, you experience feelings. And one step towards being consciously aware of this, towards embodying the awareness instead of just understanding it mentally, is to shift your language from “I am” to “I feel.”
Try it for a few days: use “I feel angry” or “I feel happy” instead of “I am angry (or happy).” Notice the ways in which that changes the feeling for you — and changes how you react or respond to it.
Notice resistance
It may seem natural to turn away from feeling frightened, angry, sad, or overwhelmed. But being with your feelings means not resisting or attempting to transcend them in any way. Instead, allow yourself to experience them, just as they are, even as you notice that they don’t define you.
Observe your resistance — and observe how resisting makes the feeling more intense and painful. If you can, bring compassion to your feelings and to your resistance.
Imagine yourself literally turning towards the feeling instead of away from it.
Make space for your feelings
You may find it easy to feel compassion for the struggles of others, and very difficult to allow any for your own.
If the idea of acceptance, love, and compassion for what you feel is out of reach initially, try simply sitting with your feelings as you would with a friend.
What would it be like to sit quietly, without trying to change anything about how you feel or about the thoughts and circumstances that brought up those feelings?
Several of my clients have found that visualizing themselves sitting on a bench beside their feelings is a safe, comfortable, and even comforting way of being with their feelings.
Don’t get stuck
While it’s important not to resist what you feel, it’s equally important not to cling to it or get stuck in it.
Allow your feelings to flow through you — not over you, and not carrying you away with them. Don’t cling to the so-called good feelings; you’ll only be sad and frustrated when they’re over. And as I’ve said, don’t resist the so-called bad feelings, because that just prolongs and intensifies them.
Remember, you experience feelings, but you are not those feelings. Allow them, be with them, and observe that they don’t define who you are.
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain.” Saint Bartholomew, one of the twelve Apostles of Jesus
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