What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Free Article
Be With Yourself
There are about a billion possible ways to avoid yourself.
You might spend all your spare time reading, watching television or movies, or working.
You could head straight for your computer in any extra moment.
Maybe you pick up the telephone and call friends.
Or you could be — as one of my clients is — an inventive cook, putting your time into creating sensual culinary journeys.
None of these things are bad, and none of them are things that you “should” stop doing. At the same time, they’re often used as barriers between you and what you’re feeling.
What would it be like to simply be with yourself, instead of reaching for distraction? What might you discover about yourself, about what’s really happening for you, and about your own truth?
If you’ve been avoiding yourself and your true feelings, that might sound a tad frightening. Yet in fact, it’s likely to be interesting, surprising, and even liberating. That’s because when you avoid yourself, you deny yourself the opportunity to release behavior patterns that lead to pain and struggle. Thus, you’re almost certainly going to continue being triggered by similar events, over and over again.
As you stop avoiding yourself, you allow old patterns of behavior to come into the light of day and begin to dissolve. And just as my clients do, you may also release habits such as overwork, withdrawal, and over-eating. You’ll experience the spaciousness of simply being comfortable in and with yourself.
Since no one uses the same avoidance activity all the time, and no one uses an activity only for avoidance, it can be challenging to see what’s happening. Here are a few clues to look for.
What’s comforting?
You may feel it’s a bit harsh to say that an activity you turn to for comfort could be a way of avoiding yourself, but it’s often true nonetheless. It’s in moments of stress or upset that you’re most likely to turn away from what’s happening and seek distraction and comfort.
As I said, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, and I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t seek comfort when you need it. However, there’s a fine line between having a clear sense of what’s happening and then seeking comfort, and seeking comfort as a way of avoiding what’s happening.
So when you find yourself turning to a particular activity out of a need for comfort — whether it’s eating, reading, or whatever it may be for you — stop for a moment. Ask yourself what you’re feeling and what triggered it. Give yourself the gift of feeling what you feel, with compassion and without judgment. Then — if you still want it — go ahead and enjoy the ice cream, the trashy novel, or whatever it may be that’s beckoning to you. Chances are, though, that the craving will be much milder, or even gone altogether.
What’s habitual?
For some of my clients, turning away from themselves is such a habit that they’re unaware of what they’re doing.
One client had a book or magazine in her hands constantly. She read while cooking, eating, washing dishes, taking a walk, brushing her teeth — if she could’ve figured out how to keep the book dry, she’d have read in the shower.
When I asked her to stop reading for a week, I wasn’t at all sure how she'd react.
It was an eye-opening week for her. She discovered not only how much she’d been ignoring herself, but also such things as the contours of the mountains around her home, the ways the light changes in her back yard during the day, and how much more flavor and texture there was to her food than she’d realized.
Shake up your habits — and make a practice of doing just one thing at at time!
What’s disciplined?
I often see clients using self-discipline to force themselves into doing instead of really looking at what’s true for them.
One client was an extremely disciplined runner. Early in our work together, she realized that she didn’t really enjoy running, and was literally using it to “run away from herself.” Her young, energetic dog’s reactions were a clear giveaway. Always ready for a walk or a trip to the dog park, he’d hide whenever the running shoes came out. When she dropped running in favor of walking, they were both much happier.
How are you disciplining yourself into action? What would you discover if you looked more deeply at what you really want and how you really feel?
You don’t need to give up any activity that you enjoy. Even my running client, now much more in tune with herself, has happily gone back to her running shoes — and her dog is now happy to run with her. My reading client still enjoys her books — and knows exactly what she’s doing when she turns to her library for comfort.
They’ve joined my other clients in a greater understanding of who they are, what it is that truly comforts them, how their habits can support them, and what it means to find joy in their activities instead of avoidance.
“Eliminate something superfluous from your life. Break a habit. Do something that makes you feel insecure.” Piero Ferrucci, 1946- , Italian philosopher and author.
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