What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Free Article
Unconditional Happiness
Many people seem to spend more time anticipating happiness than actually experiencing it. For them, happiness is dependent on some hoped-for event — a raise, a better job, a new relationship, getting to the end of the to-do list, or whatever it might be.
Their happiness is conditional; it’s dependent upon a future event or experience.
On the other hand, you may find that your happiness is prevented by your fearful anticipation of an unwelcome event: a scheduled root canal, worries of losing your job, your teenager’s potential for getting into trouble, an expected confrontation with your boss or spouse.
None of these events, whether hoped for or dreaded, have actually happened yet. Whether you’re anticipating a pleasure or dreading an ordeal, what you’re actually experiencing isn’t the pleasure or the ordeal itself. What you’re experiencing is your expectation of what’s in store for you — your thoughts about it. And your expectations and thoughts about what lies in the future keep you from experiencing what’s happening right here and now.
What is your present-moment experience? Can you sense happiness that’s not dependent on achieving what you want? Can you feel happiness in this moment even when your future feels overshadowed by something you’d rather avoid?
There are a few things you might find yourself thinking as you consider unconditional happiness. Here are some of them — and some questions to ask yourself if these thoughts come up for you.
“I need this”
Whatever it is — more money, the right relationship, a vacation — it feels necessary to you. It’s hardly surprising that you spend time thinking about it, wondering and worrying about whether it will come to pass.
What happens when you change your statement to “I want this” or even “I choose this”?
It’s not just a word game. When one client shifted from “I need” to “I want,” she felt an internal relaxation into a sense of spaciousness, peace, and — yes — happiness. And she experienced a release of creativity that allowed her to explore options she hadn’t seen when she was caught in the tension of “need.”
Your feelings of anxiety and stress are real, and I’m not suggesting that you try to avoid them. Whatever it is you’re seeking may feel absolutely crucial to you in this moment.
Even so, try playing with wanting instead of needing — just as an experiment. Maybe you want it very badly — but what’s the experiential difference between “want” and “need”?
Engaging in this process, a participant in one of my group programs said, “I’m amazed at how easy it feels.”
“It’s normal to worry”
Perhaps it does seem normal to worry. When you’re longing for or dreading what may happen, it’s easy to feel as if you must pay lots of attention to it in order to be fully prepared. But worry tends to lead to endless planning, constant anxiety, and a painful amount of stress.
And just because most people do worry about future events doesn’t mean that it’s required or even helpful.
When you’re worrying, you’re living in a place of imagination. What’s actually real is that whatever you’re worrying about hasn’t happened yet.
My clients report that they sometimes feel an almost physical “click” when they notice where their worrying has taken them, and recognize that it’s just their thoughts and imagination. That “click” is like the resetting of a switch. It brings them out of their thoughts and back into the present — a present that’s spacious and calm, in which they can freely take constructive action instead of being tied in a knot of worry.
“It’s going to be awful”
Recently, a friend told me that she was going to have to work all weekend — there was no other way for her to get everything done, there were just too many entries on her list of commitments. Her frustration and resentment were palpable.
Knowing her, I wasn’t surprised to receive a sheepish email that Friday afternoon. “I don’t know why I always over-estimate how much time things will take,” she wrote, admitting that it was all done and her weekend was suddenly free.
When whatever you’re expecting feels overwhelming, it’s easy to keep building up bigger and bigger feelings of dread. Remember, though, that what you’re experiencing now is your thoughts. It’s not the actual circumstance that’s causing your feelings of dread and anxiety, it’s what you’re telling yourself about what will happen.
And in the end, after all, you don’t really know what will actually happen.
The experience of unconditional happiness is deeper and more joyful than the happiness that arises out of getting a raise or getting through a root canal. Of course events like these — and many others — are worth celebrating. But as a client wrote, “Unreasoning, unconditional happiness is satisfying in unexpected ways. It’s a deep well that never goes dry. It’s restful and energizing at the same time. And it’s something I’m deeply grateful for.”
“The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.” From Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson), 1832-1898, English author, mathematician, Anglican deacon, and photographer.
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