What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
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It’s the Little Things
Creating change, discovering transformation, seems big. It feels like a Project. And that’s how self-improvement teachers often present it.
But you aren’t a project. And change is a process. Not a project, not a flip of a switch — a process.
In a process, it’s the little things that count. This is why I ask my clients to stop reaching for BIG things, the glittery experiences, the huge shifts, but instead allow themselves to focus gently on the small stuff.
There’s so much richness and sweetness to be found there. And in the end, it’s the incremental accumulation of little changes that adds up to real transformation.
Here are some ways to focus on the little things.
Listen to your body
One of the participants in my women’s groups noticed how she got stuck in front of her computer all day long — even though she could feel her body’s desire for movement.
Acknowledging and responding to that urge to move, she began being in her body. With that as the initial small step, she started enjoying different types of exercise, lost weight, felt better physically — and more confident overall.
What would happen if you listened to what your body has to say? How would you respond, and what might change for you?
Listen to your heart
What’s really true for you?
When you set aside your beliefs about what “should” happen or how you “should” behave, what’s left?
What feels right, regardless of your — or anyone else’s — expectations?
What is it that you really want?
In the small, everyday activities of your life, ask yourself these questions quietly and seriously. And then listen, and act accordingly. You’ll find yourself opening to a sense of being your own best friend in ways you’ve never experienced.
Listen to your responsibilities
That might sound a little odd.
Nonetheless, when you notice what you’re taking responsibility for, what you feel obligated to be or do, and how that affects you — you may be surprised.
One client has spent most of her life taking on obligations to do things for others. She’s naturally generous, but she’s also had a habit of overdoing it. As she’s become aware of this, she’s seeing — and experiencing — how much frustration has accumulated over the years.
“The other day, I felt this surge of resentment and anger,” she wrote to me. “Why? Because the roses I’d cut for my office needed their vase refilled. They needed me to take care of them, and I’d been taking care of people and things all day long. Getting so pissed off at a vaseful of roses showed me how badly I’ve let this get out of hand. I’m stepping back from all the stuff I’ve been doing for people, and waiting to see what I really want to do.”
That’s what I mean by listening to your responsibilities. When you listen, can you discern what’s a true choice versus what’s not necessary?
Listen to your feelings
Just like your body, your feelings — the changing weather of your emotions — have a lot to tell you.
My client’s resentment was a pointer for her to take a closer look at her habits of responsibility and obligation. Similarly, your feelings, whether resentment, anger, sadness, yearning, or even happiness, are clues to what’s happening for you.
The key is to notice and open to what you feel without judging it. My client might have ridiculed or condemned herself. After all, on the surface it does seem a bit silly to feel resentful about roses she’d chosen to pick. And many people believe resentment and anger are “bad” emotions they “shouldn’t” feel.
Instead, allow yourself to feel what you feel — and open to what those feelings are pointing to.
Then you have the opportunity to see what’s really true for you in any situation.
Take a look behind you
This is a cumulative process — gradual, small things adding up over time — rather than a “big bang” approach. Therefore, it’s important for you to look back every so often. Otherwise — especially in frustrating moments — you may find yourself feeling as if nothing has happened, as if you’re still stuck where you started out.
If you keep a journal, page back a few months and years to see what you were writing about then, and experience the change in your viewpoint now.
Put yourself back into a memorable event from your past. How does it feel to recall your thoughts and emotions? How would you be in that experience today?
However you choose to look back over your shoulder, acknowledge yourself for where you are now, and all the small ways in which you’ve shifted, changed, and grown.
Viewing change as a “big bang” effort creates a New Year’s Resolution effect, in which you make big plans, set big goals — and suffer big disappointments.
On the other hand, allowing change to unfold organically through your focus on the little things is effective — and surprisingly satisfying.
“It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.” Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930, British physician and writer, author of the Sherlock Holmes stories.
“To be really great in little things, to be truly noble and heroic in the insipid details of everyday life, is a virtue so rare as to be worthy of canonization.” Harriet Beecher Stowe, 1811-1896, American abolitionist and writer, author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin.“
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