What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Free Article
Intimacy with Experience
Your life is filled with experiences. Every moment is part of an experience.
So perhaps you’re wondering what I mean by “intimacy” with experience.
You may not be consciously aware of it, but most of the time you’re evaluating and judging what’s happening. If you pay attention, you’ll notice a constant stream of commentary running through your mind.
For instance: Is it good? Is it bad? Is there something wrong? Should things be different? Should I be acting differently? What’s going to happen next? Do they like me? Do I like them?
This process of evaluation holds your experience at arm’s length. It keeps you separate from it.
That might seem like a good idea if the experience is one you consider “bad” in some way. Perhaps you’re in physical pain or you’re feeling angry or frustrated about something.
But resistance to any part of your experience flattens all of your experience. Pushing away the so-called unpleasant aspects affects everything, including the aspects you enjoy.
A client wrote to me about exactly this just the other day. I include her story here in full (with her permission, of course).
Last Saturday, I was working on something very fun, and I was enjoying it. A lot.
And then I moved wrong and my back went into total spasm. Really painful.
I could feel myself start to follow the pain. It was like a cloud covering the sun. Everything I was experiencing, even the fun I was having, got cold and dim.
I stopped. And something inside me chose a different path. It embraced the pain — it accepted it completely, without any resistance. It simply said Yes to it.
And then even though the pain was still there, it didn’t seem as sharp. And my enjoyment and pleasure in what I was doing was undiminished. If anything, it was deeper, because in accepting the reality of my pain, I also came to a deeper acceptance of the reality of my joy.
So what does it mean to be intimate with experience? You’ve seen my client’s description of how it felt for her. Here are some things for you to consider on your own path.
Absolute surrender
Allowing yourself to embrace what’s happening is absolute surrender.
Surrender has difficult connotations for many people. Giving up, becoming numb, being passive — these are just a few of the things my clients tell me they believe about surrender.
It’s none of these things. In fact, it’s the complete opposite.
As my client described, when you stop resisting what’s happening — whatever it may be — your experience becomes richer, fuller, and deeper.
Give yourself space to feel curious about what surrender might feel like — without any expectations — and see what happens.
Not “positive thinking”
There’s no need to try to think positively, have a good attitude, or any of the other ways people often try to change how they feel.
As one client said to me recently, “The feeling itself, whatever it is, doesn’t change. But my experience — my experience of that feeling is completely different.”
Be with your experience without trying to change how you feel about it. Notice your tendency to apply labels (such as “bad” or “good”). What happens if you let your experience unfold without labelling it?
It’s not what you think
Your mind is probably creating all sorts of ideas and expectations about what intimacy with experience would be like.
It may feel as if surrendering to pain, for instance, would be overwhelming. You might be wondering if accepting your feelings of frustration would leave you passive and without motivation to seek improvement.
Whatever you might imagine, I can virtually guarantee that it won’t be like that.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard my clients say, “This wasn’t anything like what I expected.” And of course I’ve said it myself, more than a few times.
Being intimate with experience is both far more subtle and far more powerful than you may think. It’s not something that happens in your mind — so it’s not something your mind is capable of imagining.
Discover it for yourself — and let me know what happens.
“Most people have come to prefer certain of life’s experiences and deny and reject others, unaware of the value of the hidden things that may come wrapped in plain and even ugly paper.” Rachel Naomi Remen, American clinical professor of family and community medicine at UCSF.
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