What people say

I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.

- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon

From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.

- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont

Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.

He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.

- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA

My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.

It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.

- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon

Read more of what people say

Free Article

Need, Want, and Choose

I need, I want, I choose.

For many people, those words seem virtually interchangeable. You can substitute one for another in a sentence, and the meaning appears to be essentially the same.

But is it really?

There’s a subtle but powerful difference in the impact of these three words: need, want, and choose. Use one instead of another, and you create a distinctly different felt experience of what you’re talking about.

One of my clients has a lifetime’s history of anxiety about getting things done. She is — like many of my clients, and perhaps like you, too — highly responsible and highly productive...and often highly stressed.

As she explored her sense that “there’s never enough time,” I invited her to see how her use of need, want, and choose have played a part in her feelings of pressure and hurry.

When she set aside the dictionary definitions and focused on what she calls a “felt definition,” she began to realize the power of these words — and began to select between them more consciously.

Need

Need carries a strong external focus. There are no alternatives when you need something. You’re forced into it, pushed by some outside influence. It’s very much all-or-nothing. There can be a panicky and even desperate feeling about it, a sense that you’re a victim of fate.

Want

Want is more positive. For many of my clients it’s an amazing feeling when they begin to access and express their deepest desires — as opposed to living by “shoulds” and other people’s expectations.

But want is passive. It doesn’t imply action, just a sense of wishing, longing, and desire. In some cases, my clients tell me it creates almost as strong a sense of victimhood as need does.

Choose

When you choose something, you’re pulled toward it. You take an active role in reaching for what you’re choosing. In the act of choosing, you can’t be a victim — and you’re no longer impelled by outside forces. Instead, an internal inspiration calls you into motion.

When my clients explore what it means to choose something instead of wanting or needing it, they discover that it’s a completely different experience. There’s none of the sense of pressure and anxiety that come from wanting and needing. Instead, feelings of curiosity and spontaneity arise within them. They’re open to more options, and creativity happens naturally.

Obviously, just deciding to use choose instead of want or need won’t miraculously change how you feel about yourself and your life. But it is a powerful way of shifting your perspective on what you do every day. And as I’ve written in a previous article, it’s the little things and small steps that matter most in the long run.

Here are a few things to consider as you make the shift to choosing instead of needing or wanting.

Notice your language

Noticing the words you currently use is the first step to becoming aware of how using a different word can change how you feel.

Allow yourself to become conscious of your word selection. Hear yourself speak and think, and discover how often you say need versus want and choose.

If you’re like most of my clients, you’ll find that need shows up much more often, especially in your internal conversations with yourself.

Just begin by noticing.

Feel your way

When you find yourself using need or want, discover how it feels when you use choose instead.

You’ll almost certainly experience a difference. It may be a powerful difference, or it may be subtle — or it may be both subtle and powerful.

And you may discover your focus shifting and your choices (no pun intended!) changing when you consider what you choose to do versus what you thought you needed or wanted.

Attend to choice

Simply by bringing your attention to the experiential difference between needing something, wanting it, and choosing it, you’ll start to discern the difference between what’s a real desire, and what’s an external expectation or “should.”

Even when something really feels like a need, just allow yourself to attend to what the experience of choice might be. Don’t try forcing yourself to change how you feel. Just ask, “What would it be like to choose this instead of needing it?”

As the old year ends and 2010 begins, many people spend time looking back at what’s unfolded for them, and looking forward to see what may be in store. It’s a good time to consider what role choice might play in your life as a new decade starts.

“Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him, and then choose that way with all his strength.” Hasidic saying

If you liked this article, you can sign up to receive my regular newsletter!