What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Where’s Your Attention?
March 23, 2010
Where your attention goes, your experience follows.
One woman came to me seeking more peace, spaciousness, and fun in her life. She’s experiencing hard work and a feeling that there’s never time for herself. “I go to bed,” she told me, “and find myself virtually vibrating several inches off the mattress with the tension of my thoughts — thoughts about all the things I have to do.”
A client yearns for friendship and community — yet until recently, her experience was of painful loneliness, isolation, and a sense of always having to do everything, even fun things, by herself.
Like them — like everyone! — you place your attention on what you value, on what gives you a sense of identity and safety.
It’s important to notice that this typically isn’t what you’d say you value. Instead, it’s a direct reflection of where you spend your time and what you actually focus on in your daily life. And as painful as it might be, that’s what you really value.
Even as my clients recognize that these old identities of hyper-responsibility, hard work, and lonely independence aren’t true for them now, their habitual patterns of attention keep them in habitual patterns of experience.
That experience isn’t very enjoyable. And they — like most people — have spent a lot of time and energy resisting the feelings that come with it.
But resistance is just another form of attention. In resisting, they’re continuing to put their attention on what they don’t want.
And as they have come to realize, where your attention goes, your experience follows.
As you explore the inner landscape of what you actually value and where you place your attention, you’ll begin to notice your attention shifting. And you’ll find yourself opening to new, more authentic (and more enjoyable!) ways of being.
This isn’t something you can do through willpower. If you’ve always identified with being the responsible hard worker, deciding you’re going to pay attention to ease and spaciousness won’t work. Instead, you’ll find yourself in an argument between your will, your thoughts, and your emotions. And your thoughts and emotions will always win that battle, leading you in a not-so-merry dance through fear and frustration in the process.
Instead, start by noticing where your attention currently is. Not where you wish it was, not where anyone has told you it should be, but where it really, truly, actually is.
And then see if these suggestions help you explore some different perspectives.
Don’t fixate
Attention tends to get stuck in old, familiar patterns. For instance, as my hyper-responsible client mentioned, she tends to loop through endless mental to-do lists.
In noticing this, she’s also seen that resisting the thought patterns doesn’t help. Telling herself, “I don’t want to think about what I have to do!” only tightens the loop.
Instead, she stops.
In stopping, she acknowledges her experience — noticing the tension in her body, noticing the anxiety she’s feeling. And in that simple acknowledgement, the loop starts loosening.
Then she can breathe into her body, feel what’s happening, and gently return her attention to her breath whenever she notices that she’s slipped back into to-do thoughts.
Be in your body
Attend to your senses.
Allow yourself to be completely sensual.
Feel your heartbeat. Experience the breath going into your lungs and out again. Breathe with your whole body, not just your chest.
Hear what’s happening around you — pay attention to every sound you perceive.
Taste the residue of what you last ate or drank.
Feel the force of gravity and how it connects your body with the world.
As my client realized, being in your body — instead of just allowing it to carry your head around — helps break emotional and mental fixations.
Attend to all of experience
As my client realized, being in your body — instead of just allowing it to carry your head around — helps break emotional and mental fixations.
This creates a very distorted view of experience — and is an interesting perspective on what you really value.
One client was lamenting a series of unexpected expenses she’d incurred in the last few weeks. All she could see was the money flowing out of her bank account.
When I pointed out that she’d just had the best quarter ever in her business, and that the current quarter was shaping up to be even better, there was a long pause.
“Oh,” she said. “Hm. Yeah. I hadn't noticed that part, had I?”
Look at both sides of the coin (no pun intended). What’s on the other side of the apparently negative things you’re noticing?
Don’t over-compensate
Creating new rules in an attempt to shift old habits just sets up new blocks to the natural flow of life.
As a workaholic, you could decide you need to set firm boundaries around what is and isn’t work time.
Seeking more community, you could try becoming a party animal.
But that’s over-compensation, allowing the pendulum to swing too far in the opposite direction, as my business partner discovered.
She’s a writer who sometimes feels like her work takes over her life. And she’s also learned not to ignore the call of her Muse. Hanging on to “I will not work on weekends!” has lost her more than a few inspirations for articles and ideas for new services to her clients.
Instead of setting rules about what is and isn’t work time, she allows herself to respond to what’s true for her. This sometimes means writing on weekends (or even in the middle of the night), and sometimes means taking off on a weekday to go to Disneyland.
So don’t over-compensate. Instead, tune your ear to the inner voice of your own Muse, and pay attention to what’s really true for you.
“Pay attention to the little gifts, and you’ll find something extraordinary starting to happen.” Adyashanti, American spiritual teacher, from his December 2009 retreat.
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