What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
Willpower Doesn’t Work
April 6, 2010
The problem with willpower is very simple: it doesn’t work.
We’re brought up to believe it does. Just have enough fortitude, and you can do anything — strong-arm yourself into going to the gym, doing your taxes, mowing the lawn. Force yourself to step away from the chocolate, turn up your nose at the spoonful of ice cream, turn down that glass of wine.
How’s that working for you?
A client commented, “I noticed tonight that whenever I feel an impulse towards something that I think I ‘shouldn’t’ have or ‘shouldn’t’ do, I set up an argument within myself.”
As she realized, willpower creates instant division. It divides you against yourself. There’s the part of you that moves towards something — having a piece of chocolate, staying comfortably at home instead of going to the gym. And there’s the part of you that tries to push you to do what you don’t want to do.
I don’t know anyone who consistently wins those arguments with their mind. Do you?
But letting go of willpower — stopping the argument with your mind, and really allowing yourself to want what you want, whatever it is — feels very dangerous. It feels as if you’ll immediately succumb to all your baser instincts, becoming a lazy, fat, chocolate-devouring slob.
Written out that way, it sounds pretty ludicrous. But that’s the sort of thing your thoughts try to tell you — isn’t it?
That same client continued, “As soon as I release the argument — as soon as I move into complete agreement with what I want, simply saying YES, this really IS what I want, whether I think I ‘should’ or not — then it frees me. But if I try to will myself into ‘behaving’ — not having the glass of wine, not skipping the workout, whatever it is — then I can’t stop thinking about it. And that means I usually give in to it. And of course, in giving in, I end up hating myself afterwards.”
If this is something you’ve noticed for yourself, then I encourage you to play with these ideas to see what happens when you let go of willpower.
Notice the conflict
For most people, the willpower response is reflexive. When you experience the urge to do something you don’t think you “should” do, the will immediately steps up, arms folded and a stern frown firmly in place.
Notice that reflex in yourself. And observe the irony: the argument makes the forbidden urge seem even more attractive.
Feel the conflict
Experience what this conflict creates inside you. As you notice the mental argument, feel the knot in your stomach, the constriction in your chest, the tension in your shoulders — however it shows up in your body.
Notice how you’ve become divided against yourself, battling within your mind, body, and emotions.
Let go and relax...
Stop. Just stop for a moment.
As you experience the internal struggle and conflict, give yourself space to breathe — just for a moment.
Step back and relax into the breathing space you’ve created.
Notice what wants
That may sound strange, but really: what is it in you that’s experiencing “wanting”?
Is it your tastebuds that clamor for the extra chocolate-chip cookie? What does your stomach feel about it?
Is it your mind that wants to stay home and read instead of setting out for a walk, run, or bike-ride? And what does your body feel about it?
When you notice what wants — and how other parts of you have conflicting wants — you may find that the apparent conflict simply dissolves in the face of what’s most true for you.
Let yourself want
Allow yourself to let in this feeling of wanting. Be with it, fully and openly. It may feel as if whatever it is will overwhelm you, run away with you — instead of one bite of ice cream, you’ll eat the whole carton!
And in reality, that could happen. But it’s more likely to happen if you keep trying to control your wants through willpower.
Instead, let yourself want, with gentleness and compassion.
Notice what happens
My experience, and the experience of my clients, is that this simple welcoming of what’s real — this opening of the heart, without judgment, to what you really want — unties the knots.
As one client said, “There’s no division any more. The war is over, and both sides have laid down their weapons and simply vanished. It’s like a miracle, because now I’m free — free to make a simple, unconflicted decision about what I’ll do.”
She went on to add, “I never would have believed it, but when it happened, it was ... well, it was an experience of love.’
Love works a whole lot better than willpower!
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.” Sophocles, 496 BCE - 406 BCE, ancient Greek tragedian
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