What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
It’s All About You
July 13 2010
Did you know that your reactions and responses to people and situations are a direct window into yourself?
You’ve probably noticed that the things you react to aren’t the same as what upsets or excites your friends. You’ve probably had the experience of listening to someone go off on a rant about something, and wondering what the big deal was. And — be honest! — you’ve undoubtedly gone off on your share of rants, and noticed your friends looking at you in baffled amazement.
It’s simple: what you react strongly to is a projection of something about yourself into the external world. It’s all about you.
In other words, when someone really bugs you, turn around and look for that characteristic in yourself. And when someone seems beautiful and admirable, turn around and look for that in yourself as well.
Depending on your approach to life, you’ll find one of those easier to do than the other. Some people have a hard time recognizing what they consider to be the not-so-pleasant characteristics in themselves — and others struggle to see how they could possibly embody the so-called better characteristics.
But everyone has equal capacity for the dark and the light. And every apparently “good” attribute can be over-used or wielded inappropriately, just as every “bad” characteristic has its moments. As one client said, “Sure, I can be bitchy — but I see that as standing up for my needs and my truth. I don’t use it as an arbitrary weapon, and I certainly don’t use it to hurt anyone.”
Looking at the ways you project yourself outward onto people and situations is important because it allows you to reclaim all aspects of yourself. And when you reclaim yourself, you return to your natural state of wholeness and power.
When you’re not used to exploring yourself and your reactions in this way, it might seem confusing. Here are a few tips to help.
Let go of judgment
It can be easy to turn this into a judgment about yourself.
But there’s nothing to judge. It’s simply a matter of noticing what’s happening.
Do you react strongly to someone who seems self-centered? Ask yourself how you might benefit from being more aware of your own needs... or could you be demanding more attention than you realize?
Do you have a hot button about people who are deceitful? Ask yourself how you could be out of integrity with yourself or with others in your life.
Be gentle. Even when you discover ways that you’ve been deceitful with yourself or with others, don’t judge. There’s nothing to blame. Just notice.
Finding self-compassion
Look at what you’re reacting to from all sides, exploring both the apparently good and apparently bad aspects. This helps you find compassion for yourself as you reclaim what you’ve projected outwards.
Your reaction to someone who seems deceitful could lead you to understand how you hide who you really are, protecting your feelings of vulnerability. And it could help you see ways to be more in alignment with your truth and your integrity.
Feeling into what it means to be self-centered may reveal how you acquiesce to everyone else’s desires at the expense of yours. And it might show you opportunities to express heartfelt generosity.
As I said, there’s nothing here to judge — and everything to feel curiosity and compassion for.
Enjoy the journey
A client commented recently, “You know, it took me a while to be okay with it, but I’ve started looking forward to experiencing these sorts of off-the-wall reactions. It’s always a sign to look inward, and it’s kind of interesting to discover these things about myself!”
In looking at your reactions from this perspective, you open yourself to curiosity, exploration, and self-discovery. Which is, as my client realized, a lot more interesting than continuing to react (and over-react!) without understanding what’s happening.
Because in the end, your reactions really are all about you — not about the other person.
As one of my clients wrote to me after a particularly powerful session: “Thank you for holding the space for whatever arises and being present for it, meeting it yourself so that I can meet it. That reflection of courage — the courage of Self — is what helps me find it. As you’ve said, what I see in you is what I am. Your great awareness of what’s there is what allows me to have the faith to keep going — even when I have no idea where I’m going!”
Projection is powerful. Unobserved, it’s a powerful denial of what’s true for and within you. And when you see it and explore it, it’s a powerful way to rediscover, reclaim, and express your wholeness and power.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.” Anais Nin, 1903-1977, French author and poet
If you liked this article, you can
sign up to receive my regular newsletter.