What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
It’s Okay to Feel
November 2 2010
Whatever you feel, whatever emotions are present for you in any moment — it’s okay.
Despite what you may have been taught, suppressing or denying your feelings doesn’t actually make them go away. Instead, it drives them underground. And when they’re unacknowledged, unmet, and unexpressed, they tend to nibble away at you, making you feel uneasy, unconfident, and even wrong.
Furthermore, because they’re still there, they can burst out unexpectedly in inappropriate ways, such as a flash of disproportionate anger or grief.
And of course some emotions appear hard or difficult. Grief and sadness are painful, and some people believe it’s wrong or shameful to experience anger or fear. So it may seem natural to turn away from these types of feelings in order to avoid the pain involved.
But is that really true?
As one client said to me, “When I allow myself to open to my feelings — when I allow myself to acknowledge feeling sadness, for instance — there’s a softening. In letting it in, instead of holding it away from me, the feeling eases and becomes less painful. And as it softens, I begin to see through it, I experience compassion for myself, and I’m no longer overwhelmed by it.”
There are many ways that you might be pushing your feelings away, suppressing them, or driving them underground. Here are some ideas to help you meet your feelings — and allow them to be okay.
It’s not wallowing
Many of my clients tell me they’re afraid of getting stuck in their feelings — wallowing in them or taking on a victim’s mindset.
Allowing yourself to feel doesn’t mean indulging yourself. You’re not throwing a pity-party, or succumbing to what author Caroline Myss calls “woundology.”
Acknowledge the truth of what’s coming up for you — whether it’s in response to something happening right now, or the result, as I wrote last time, of an unwinding and release of experiences and emotions you’ve suppressed in the past.
Allow yourself full expression — and allow yourself to ...
Know when it’s over
There’s a wonderful old Jewish teaching story about a boy who simply would not stop crying. His family talked with him, his friends tried to get him to cheer up, doctors attended him, but to no avail; the boy cried for days on end.
Finally, a wise teacher went to him and whispered something in his ear.
The boy stopped crying. Everyone asked the teacher — what had he whispered?
“Do not cry more than it hurts.”
Experience isn’t relative
The other day, a client said to me, “I feel like I’m whining. Who am I to be complaining? There are so many people who have it far worse than I do!”
As I told her, experience isn’t relative. It’s your experience, and what other people may or may not be experiencing is irrelevant.
Suppressing or denying your feelings doesn’t change their experience; it only deepens and prolongs your own pain and struggle.
So don’t compare your experience to that of others, and don’t judge your experience based on what you believe others are feeling — or on what you think you “should” feel.
Allow love and joy
Happiness can sometimes feel weirdly out of place.
As one client put it, “Sometimes I find myself turning away from joy, maybe because I’m in a situation where I think I’m ‘supposed’ to be serious, or because I’m tired and cranky and happiness takes me by surprise.”
Similarly, love can spring up unexpectedly. Most of us have been brought up on ideals of romantic love. From that perspective, the only people we’re “supposed” to feel love for are our families and romantic partners, and perhaps a few close friends. So the love that sometimes arises apparently from nowhere for people we don’t know well — or even at all — can feel strange and uncomfortable.
Happiness doesn’t have to be rational. And it’s possible to love someone simply because you recognize the unique expression of who they are — even if you don’t know them or like them very much.
You aren’t your emotions
Strong emotions can feel overwhelming.
For instance, you might wonder if allowing yourself to experience your anger will mean that you’re an angry person. Or you might be afraid that if you feel your anger, you’ll behave badly.
I encourage my clients to experiment with what happens when they say “I feel angry” instead of “I am angry” (or sad, fearful, or whatever emotion is arising). This helps you start to realize that you’re not your emotions. Instead, you’re someone who experiences emotion.
It’s also worth noting that just because you feel something doesn’t mean you’ll take action based on those feelings. What if you were to trust yourself to behave appropriately, no matter what feelings are present for you?
It’s okay to feel!
We live in a world in which problem-solving and figuring things out are viewed as pathways to success. People are often afraid of emotion — their own and that of other people.
But it’s more than just okay to feel what you feel. It’s liberating. And it’s deeply healing.
Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Meet yourself in the full expression of what’s true for you.
And allow others the same freedom. There’s no greater gift of friendship.
“Cherish your own emotions and never undervalue them.” Robert Henri, 1865-1929, American painter and teacher.
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