What people say
I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.
- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon
From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.
- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont
Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.
He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.
- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA
My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.
It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.
- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon
What Really Matters?
November 30 2010
The holiday season tends to bring up an emotional rollercoaster of anticipation, excitement, anxiety, and dread.
It’s a busy, busy time. The normal demands of life and work are compounded by all the work and play that goes into holiday celebrations.
I just returned from a week-long retreat in Northern California. In another week, I’ll be heading to the west coast again, this time for a five-day workshop. Between and around those trips are sessions with my clients, my business partner’s requests for input on our shared projects, creating this newsletter, and — of course — holiday time spent with my family.
I recognize that I’m far from unique in this busy schedule. As our economy slowly emerges from the recession, many people are still job-hunting. Those who have jobs are continuing to cope with the challenge of heavy workloads, and perhaps also the stress of being a survivor in a company, group of friends, and/or family where others have been laid off.
And of course the holidays are a time when expectations about how everyone “should” feel and “should” behave are very high — and correspondingly difficult to meet. So it’s easy to get pulled into the whirlwind of activity and expectation, and to quickly feel overwhelmed by it all.
Yet it’s also a perfect opportunity to ask yourself ... what really matters? What in this hectic season — this season that’s intended to be about gratitude and a celebration of life — is truly meaningful for you?
When I ask my clients this question — what really matters? — they often tell me it would be nice to focus on understanding what matters, except there are a hundred other things clamoring for their attention.
If that’s what’s coming up for you, I’ll say to you what I say to them: Stop. Just for a moment, stop, right here, right now, in stillness.
What really matters?
Because when you stop and look at what really matters for you, it becomes easier to make different choices — and to feel less hurried and stressed during the holidays, and throughout the year.
Here are some ways of looking at that question for yourself — and some ways to see how old habits and patterns really can change, as you find new perspectives on what’s important.
Notice what you feel
It’s easy to get so caught up in the rush of getting things done that you forget to pay attention to how you’re feeling about it.
One of my clients says, “When I start feeling grouchy about what I’m doing, I know I’m not internally in agreement with whatever choice I’ve made. Just stopping and paying attention to what I really want — asking myself why I’m doing whatever it is — helps restore my sense of what’s true for me.”
She adds, “Often I discover that I really do want to do what I’m doing, and it’s just some weird mental story that’s got me feeling disconnected.”
As she points out, simply noticing is often enough to bring you back into yourself.
And don’t forget to notice your feelings of fun and enjoyment as well!
Give yourself space
Whether it’s a project at work, or a holiday task at home, most people view getting stuck in the middle of it as a problem. And most people try to power through, using willpower and adrenaline as substitutes for inspiration.
My business partner has — as she puts it — “finally learned that taking a break isn’t just a good idea, it’s a good practice.”
“Trying to force it doesn’t work,” she says. “Oh, sure, I’ll still get the project done. But it takes a lot longer, and the quality usually suffers — and of course I suffer as well. It’s a whole lot more effective and more fun to take a break. Whether it’s an hour’s bike ride, or a half hour working on something else — that’s all it usually takes for me to be re-inspired.”
Your ability to take a break will depend on a host of constraints, from whether you’re expected to be at your desk at work, to what the weather is outside. Just don’t constrain yourself by believing that you “can’t” take a break until the task is finished. Give yourself a break in the middle — and you may be surprised by how easily you move forward when you return.
Re-set your assumptions
The holiday season is packed with assumptions.
Assumptions about what you’re supposed to do. How you’re supposed to feel. Even who you’re supposed to be.
Those assumptions usually carry a lot of history — and almost always carry a lot of emotional weight. Because of their history (“we’ve always done it this way!”), they’re seldom challenged — even when they no longer fit actual circumstances or preferences.
Changing “how we’ve always done it” can bring up a lot of resistance. And it can also help create powerful feelings of relief — and space for fun and enjoyment as you explore new and more meaningful traditions.
Of course I’m not suggesting that you throw out all your rituals and routines. But what assumptions would you like to challenge? What assumptions feel stale and out of synch with how you and those who share your holidays have changed over time?
No matter what traditions you follow — even none at all — it’s impossible to avoid getting swept up in the energy of this time of year. How you experience that energy depends largely on how closely you attend to what really matters to you.
This is your opportunity to notice what feels real and good and important — and what’s become habitual and creates stress.
So I invite you to take just a moment this season to ask yourself and those you love ... what really matters?
And then make a few gentle changes to be sure that’s where you’re putting your attention.
“Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.&rdquoi; W. Somerset Maugham, 1875-1965, English playwright, novelist, and short story writer.
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