What people say

I can honestly say that, for the first time in 50 years, I’m learning how to just be. How to relish the present moment, which, magically and mysteriously, unlocks the door to the treasure house that is the rest of my life.

- Jennifer Green, Salem, Oregon

From the moment Jon and I connected, I had this deep experience of loving presence and complete trust. Something bypassed my mind and my ability to figure things out, and communicated directly to my heart and soul that I was safe and in the right place. There was a creation of power in our relationship that he honored and witnessed as being mine. It was my power. I had the experience of being wonderfully, beautifully powerful, in the most loving, energized way.

- Laura Lind-Blum, The Idea Midwife, Waterbury Center, Vermont

Jon can help you recognize where you are, and become more clear. My work with him has not been about plotting out my future, it has been about helping me come into deeper relationship with myself so that next steps unfold easily and effortlessly.

He creates a safe, spacious container for you to go as deep or wide or high as you’re capable of in any given moment. It’s a matter of him being able to see the facets and help me make them real in me.

- Sandra Leader, Carmel, CA

My feelings changed from, “Quick, fix me, I can’t stand how I feel, make it better, hurry,” to, it’s not about hurry, and it’s not about fixing, it’s about staying where you are and getting more and more and deeper and deeper sensations that this is okay. You’re fine, this is okay.

It helps me reframe experience. I don’t see anything that’s happening quite the same as I’ve ever seen it before, because my viewpoint has been enlarged. There’s more, there’s peace, there’s joy, there’s love, there’s health, there’s everything.

- Layne Young, artist, Salem, Oregon

Read more of what people say

Bring It Together

May 17 2011

Somewhere inside you is a voice of criticism.

You’re not alone in this; almost everyone has a host of internal critics.

And somewhere inside you, there’s also a felt sense of compassion — a feeling of loving honesty that speaks from a place of acceptance, clarity, and wholeness.

As you pay attention to your internal experience, you might feel the presence of stillness and quiet compassion within you. Unlike the noisy, demanding voice of criticism, this presence is simply a feeling of what one client describes as “okayness.”

“It’s a feeling that no matter what else is going on,” she said, “it really is okay. My work might be overwhelming me, the cat might have just thrown up, I may have more to do than I can imagine — but even through all of that, there’s this deep, quiet, steady sense of okayness.”

This sense of stillness and presence can sometimes feel out of reach, drowned out by the yammering of criticism. Yet through practice — practice in being still, practice in experiencing your inner landscape — the compassionate presence can become more available to you.

And even without practice, just about everyone has experienced that sense of stillness at some point. Just about everyone knows that when you close your eyes and really listen, there’s something deep inside that responds — something deep inside that’s always and already whole and unconditionally accepting.

What happens when you bring that sense of compassionate presence and stillness together with the voices of criticism?

That may sound odd. It probably feels more natural to try to replace the critical voices with feelings of compassion. Yet the attempt to drown out or suppress the internal conflict usually only drives it underground — where it continues to nibble away at your self-esteem and confidence.

That’s why I suggest that you see what happens when you allow the critical voice and the compassionate wisdom to meet within you — to share a common space within your awareness.

My clients tell me they feel a softening, a shift in perspective, and a sense of opening to different ways of experiencing themselves. As one said, “It’s like the bully is met with love. I can’t put it any other way. The criticism doesn’t stop necessarily, but it’s put into a different perspective. The feeling of stillness, the presence of compassion — it may be quiet, but it’s so much larger and more grounded than the voice of criticism.”

Next time your internal critic begins bullying you — try these approaches to bring it together with love and compassion.

Stop

The internal critic drives you to move faster, do more, be productive. In that experience of stress and anxiety, it’s hard to hear anything except the criticisms — and the list of things you feel you’re supposed to be doing differently and/or more of.

Stop.

It may feel counterintuitive when everything inside seems to be urging you forward. Nonetheless, take just a moment to stop.

Listen

It’s natural to try to drown the critic out in some way. You might try arguing with it, or you might simply resort to busyness — or ice cream, television, or even a stiff drink — in your attempt to drown out or avoid the harshness of those voices.

But as one of my clients says, this internal critic is a lot like a two-year-old. When it feels unheard and unanswered, it just gets louder ... and louder ... and louder.

So listen to it. Instead of turning away from it, listen to what it’s saying. Hear the thoughts that are spinning in your head, and feel the feelings that those thoughts bring up in you.

As you listen, notice that you don’t have to believe what it’s saying.

Listen more deeply

What else is present for you?

Instead of hunting for a sense of compassion or trying to grasp at stillness, stop and see what’s already there. Instead of trying to find compassion, ask yourself if it’s already there with you.

Allow yourself to be curious about what could happen if you meet the criticism with compassion instead of with struggle and resistance.

“It’s never what I expect,” said one client. “Sometimes I find myself looking for warm fuzzies — you know, an experience of childish comfort. But it’s not like that. It’s subtle. And when I set my expectations aside, it’s a whole lot easier to notice that my feelings are shifting!”

There’s nothing wrong

It’s okay if you don’t feel as if compassion or stillness are present for you. Sometimes that’s what seems to happen.

It’s okay if you don’t feel as if compassion or stillness are present for you. Sometimes that’s what seems to happen.

One client said, “It’s frustrating when I don’t feel that sense of compassion. But simply by asking if it’s there — just by opening to the possibility — I find a larger perspective within which the critical voice becomes less credible. I find that I can experience the criticism as a thought that’s not necessarily true.”

As I pointed out, her opening to a larger perspective and her realization that the self-criticism is just a cluster of untrue thoughts — that is the compassion she believed she was missing.

The felt sense of compassion — the presence and stillness — is subtle and quiet, and it’s often not what you expect. Yet as my clients discover, the simple act of opening to it (instead of seeking for it) can reveal larger perspectives — and less struggle.

“A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said, ‘I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.’ The grandson asked him, ‘Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?’ The grandfather answered, ‘The one I feed.’” From Women who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

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